How Did It Serve You?

Personal reflections from 2020 and the COVID fear campaign

In 2020 as the global crisis began, I went back into the victimhood consciousness. The injustice of what was brewing in the world was stirring to the surface a familiar feeling.

As I was watching it happen in real time, I was observing myself struggling with the superimposed unresolved childhood trauma that I didn't realize was still there. A big blindspot was about to be revealed to me, which would take the next few years to unravel and process before I could shift back into empowerment and integrate more of the past. Eventually I was able to see how it was all serving me.

When all things COVID kicked off, I was living a good life. Or so I thought.

I didn’t realize I had disordered desires as Dante Alighieri would say. I was chasing after the wrong things and avoiding the sense of emptiness through the seeking of external validation.

So in January of 2020, I fell right into the fear from the earliest rumblings of the "novel coronavirus" while the mainstream media was barely talking about it. I started watching it non-stop online. I knew something big was going to happen but I was in denial about what that meant.

In mid-March 2020, still in the fear, I was one of the only people at the Mexico City airport wearing a mask. I would’ve cancelled that trip for fear, but my dear college friend was adamant that nothing would stop her from meeting me on the beach for my birthday. Plus, we decided, it would be a great view for the apocalypse.

We spent the week there in an interesting mix of catching up on the last 7 years, enjoying the white sand and turquoise water paradise of the Mayan Riviera, meanwhile processing the shocking news headlines and discussing what we were going to do to prepare when we got home.

On our shuttle ride back to the airport, I got a text from a friend whose friend's dad worked in one of the federal agencies. She said America was going to lockdown soon for a couple weeks.

“Two weeks to slow the spread,” they said. But China had already been locked down for months. I knew it wasn’t just going to be a few weeks.

I looked to my friend next to me, both of us shocked. We couldn't believe this was really happening. In just one week, the world was becoming unrecognizable.

On March 17th, Mexico City’s airport was quite empty as the fear began to permeate the world.

A little gnawing feeling started somewhere in the back of my mind. Like fingernails tapping on a chalkboard. I pushed it under the surface.

On my Uber ride home from the airport, we passed a street sign that caught my eye: Calle Darwin. I wish I’d taken a photo of that moment but I was frozen by the message, “survival of the fittest.”

As soon as I got home, I suddenly had a fever and the sweats due to the intense fear that was coursing through my body. I called my maid and told her not to come the next day. I came up with a plan to send her bank deposits so she could stay home indefinitely.

On March 25th, while listening to the Leo King's daily astrology on his app High Vibe TV, he talked about “hearing the trumpet call from spirit" to take action in that direction.

He had been warning about January 2020 for a couple years already. He had also said something about a fake plague that was really going to be about control. He said a lot of things that came true over the recent years.

A few hours later while sitting on my balcony, a trumpet player came by.

Even though Mexico wasn’t locked down, restaurants had already started to close due to a lack of staff. Few people were going out because the “quédate en casa” campaign had already started.

The street musicians would normally visit the sidewalk tables of Polanco's delicious culinary options to entertain diners and ask for a collaboration. They had already innovated their strategy by walking the streets playing for people at home who would toss coins from balconies.

I heard a bunch of different musicians during those weeks, but the trumpet player only came that day. This crazy synchronicity jarred me out of the cognitive dissonance so I could get some new clarity.

As the mainstream media was beginning to beat the fear drums, I was starting to realize something was off. My fear of the virus shifted into the fear of something else.

When the whole world was locking down and going inward toward their families and loved ones, that’s when I realized I didn’t really belong anywhere. It started to feel like I was floating in the abyss of the void, untethered to anything at all. I wouldn’t let myself feel it for longer than a couple seconds lest it swallow me into oblivion.

I remembered a video I took a couple months before on January 22, 2020. A reporter speaking about the “Wuhan Coronavirus” was positioned in front of the city covered in smog, which had the appearance of smoke.

The timestamp was 9:11pm. Nine dead and 470 (4+7+0 = 11) infected. Behind the reporter were skyscrapers. It was reminiscent of the media footage on 9/11 when the Twin Towers were taken down in one of the biggest psyops of our lifetime, second only to the COVID campaign.

The trumpet call from spirit was getting louder than the noise.

By early April, some brave urgent care doctors in Bakersfield, California started speaking up and questioning the Official Narrative. Of course they were already being smeared and demonized. Their video reached millions of people and was quickly removed by YouTube for “misinformation.”

That week more clues started to surface that something was off, yet it all got quickly suppressed with smear campaigns and censorship online.

YouTube created a new policy about what you could and couldn't talk about related to COVID or they would demonetize you, which is the step that comes before axing your content and channel.

These were all clear signs of what was to come. So I started posting on my personal Facebook page and talking with everyone in my personal life about what was going on.

That week my cousin found an email I had sent to everyone I knew in April 2009, which was about 20 people. I was warning that they were going to try to create a pandemic back then. I emphasized the importance of our consciousness in not allowing that messaging to take hold of our minds. No one really paid attention to me. They probably just thought I was nuts. Understandably, it probably sounded like I was.

So in April 2020, I decided to once again write an email to everyone I knew, which was a much bigger list this time. They were mainly people who knew me from YouTube where we talked about narcissistic abuse. In the email I talked about the same abuse dynamics that were starting to become clear and where I thought it was going on a macro level.

Some people were very relieved. Others were PISSED.

Ironically, they were all people who had been learning about the same kinds of abuse dynamics in relationships and the family. Though over the following years I did get a handful of messages from people who said they thought I was nuts at first but later realized what was going on.

On April 9th, 2020 I also wrote the Ode to Vaccines on my personal Facebook page inspired by the incessant discussion about it in the media and echolalia. Most people didn’t find my word art entertaining.

The Mexican Census happened a few weeks prior, when they put a sticker with a QR code on every door in the republic. The day I walked outside and saw that, I had a flashback of WW2 and I knew it was time to leave the city, perhaps going abroad. But I had told myself that I'd leave in July when my lease expired. That made sense, logically.

The next day, on April 10, 2020 I was listening to another astrology report. It was speaking about the process I was about to embark on, but I hadn’t processed any of it yet. I was taking notes and zoning out while my hand mindlessly retraced a couple phrases on the page.

"until July"

"you can't stay"

The nails started tapping louder on the chalkboard. By this point I was all ears.

I knew the signs meant something and I knew I needed to take action. I just didn't know what the hell to do yet.

I was starting to get the nudge to repatriate to USA, which was not at all in my life plans at the time. I figured it’s better to be a dissident where I’m a citizen and at least know my rights. As an expat in Mexico, I didn’t have the right to get involved in anything political. COVID wasn’t political, but everything was being politicized.

So I did an oracle reading with the I Ching (the Richard Wilhelm translation), which is what I would do anytime I needed some helpful guidance and clarity for the 15 years prior. I don't always understand the poetic language in terms of what it means in my life until in retrospect when it’s always uncannily accurate.

The hexagram was 7 The Army and there were four changing lines. It talked about discipline and obedience, but not that which is achieved by force. Discipline is a word that would come back around later for me.

It spoke more of the war.

“The justifying cause of war, and clear and intelligible war aims, ought to be explained to the people by an experienced leader. Unless there is a definite war aim to which the people can consciously pledge themselves, the unity and strength of conviction that lead to victory will not be forthcoming. But the leader must also look to it that the passion of war and the delirium of victory do not give rise to unjust acts that will not meet with general approval. If justice and perseverance are the basis of action, all goes well."

It also talked about an enemy invasion devastating the fields and an orderly retreat.

“The leader should be in the midst of his army, in touch with it, sharing good and bad with the masses he leads. This alone makes him equal to the heavy demands made upon him.”

“In face of a superior enemy, with whom it would be hopeless to engage in battle, an orderly retreat is the only correct procedure, because it will save the army from defeat and disintegration. It is by no means a sign of courage or strength to insist upon engaging in a hopeless struggle regardless of circumstances.”

“It is a matter of waging war, not of permitting the mob to slaughter all who fall into their hands; if they do, defeat will be the result, and despite all perseverance there is danger of misfortune.”

The four changing lines means the hexagram changes into another hexagram where those lines are flipped from yin to yang or vice versa. The Army was changing into 12 Standstill. It’s about a time of decline, confusion and disorder. It highlighted August and September, symbolic of the autumnal decay.

It gave a powerful warning:

"The way of superior people (those with upright character) is in decline. The superior people do not allow themselves to be turned from their principles."

That’s so interesting because it was exactly the test that we all went through during the COVID campaign, to stand by our principles.

The Book of Changes also advised:

"If the possibility of exerting influence is closed, they nevertheless remain faithful to their principles and withdraw into seclusion.”

“The image of Standstill.
Thus the superior man falls back upon his inner worth
In order to escape the difficulties.
He does not permit himself to be honored with revenue."

I didn’t know yet, but soon I would be presented with the inner conflict of leaving YouTube and social media (walking away from that revenue) or selling out and staying quiet.

Eventually I would realize that I could either self-censor and avoid talking about it or I could voluntarily leave those platforms (where I was dependent for business income) so I could do inner work and speak the truth elsewhere in order to stand by my principles.

The decision to honor my conscience would later come with the confrontation of my blindspot.

I didn’t realize that I had rebuilt my self-worth on false grounds. It’s not “self” worth if you’re gaining a sense of worthiness through external validation, which was exactly what I was doing on those platforms. The vanity metrics of likes, comments and subscribers soothed my ego and gave me a false sense of having healed the past trauma. It also gave me a false sense of belonging, connection and significance.

But I was still months away from having that realization, which would come between August and September of 2020, just like the I Ching said in Standstill.

The end of the reading clarified the elements culminating over the next several years during COVID. It was also symbolic of the inner fundamentals that were built on non-solid ground in my own life.

"Mutual mistrust prevails in public life, fruitful activity is rendered impossible because the fundamentals are wrong."

"The superior man knows what he must do under such circumstances; he does not allow himself to be tempted by dazzling offers to take part in public activities. This would only expose him to danger, since he cannot assent to the meanness of the others. He therefore hides his worth and withdraws into seclusion."

I didn’t know yet, but I was about to shift into a period of withdrawal from public life and enter into seclusion. It wasn’t a plan but it was a calling.

For the rest of April 2020, I did some research to figure out where would strategically be a good location for me to put down some roots for what was coming. I was a nomad for most of my adult life, but I knew I didn't want to be rootless during a storm.

At first I thought I'd go toward California where I had family. But then I saw the state's response to what was going on and I realized I don't belong there. I discovered that I didn’t belong pretty much anywhere I’d lived before. The abyss feeling tried to surface again and I continued to suppress it.

Eventually it was between Texas or Florida, the two most sane responses in USA from what I saw online. I decided on Texas. If you had told me before 2020 that one day I’d be living in Texas, I would’ve thought that was nuts. Yet in a world where nothing was making sense any more, it was the only thing that made sense.

I packed what I could in three suitcases plus my dog and left my life in Mexico, appliances and all. I was leaving what I thought was my best life, on emergency mode, which was actually how I lived most of my life.

Once I got to Texas on May 3rd, 2020, just a few days after the hard lockdown ended there, I hit the ground running to set up my life as quickly as possible.

The day I got the keys to my new home in early June, I found a preying mantis on the back porch door.

"The Praying Mantis shows the way."

The mantis is a messenger of stillness.

“The world around it could be burning, but you'll find it perched on a blade of grass—absolutely still."

Indeed the world was burning in June 2020 and the message came in impeccable timing.

"In Ancient Greece and Egypt, the spiritual role of the praying mantis was to serve as a guide for those who were lost."

Lost I was. I didn't know what to do with my life. I didn’t even get settled for months because it was a mess and there was a lot of manual labor to do around the house and yard.

There were long delays with everything due to the COVID policies disrupting the supply chain. Once the flooring got done, I finally had solid ground to stand on. As soon as I had that little bit of safety in my refuge, that's when more layers of the trauma started surfacing.

It’s funny how that happens. It’s like there’s an innate wisdom of the body and consciousness that only allows to surface that which is ready to be faced when it’s safe to do so.

In a mushroom journey in late August, I dove in to confront the fear that was consuming me. It had shifted from the fear of the virus to the fear of the tyranny and what would happen if I spoke the truth more publicly. I was paralyzed, I didn’t have any mentors or guides to go to for help so I needed the big guns. Thank God for the plant medicine.

The first several hours were intense. I was fighting the fear while trying to surrender to it so I could receive the learning. I curled up in fetal position under the cocoon of the sheets and covers on the brand new mattress laying upon the newly laid floor.

I saw a vision of the masses passing by as a herd of cattle moving toward the slaughterhouse and screamed, “Nooo, STOP!” But they couldn’t hear me because my voice didn’t make a sound.

I tossed and turned uncomfortably, viewing the fear from every angle much like I had spent the last few months painting every surface of my house, studying every little corner in detail with my brush. I was exhausted.

Then suddenly my Mexican sister’s face appeared to me. She said, “I hate that you’re so alone!”

She was right. That was actually what I was most afraid of . . . being utterly alone in this universe.

I bursted into tears and could finally access emotions other than the fear. I cried, I laughed, I felt joy and sorrow and anger and excitement. I could feel my soul connection with All That Is returning.

A new sense of peace started settling in. Insights started coming through.

I went outside to connect with nature. When I opened the door to the patio, my dog was across the lawn in sphinx pose. Her eyes were half open, her head slightly back basking in the sun. She was in perfect harmony with everything. This was amazing because she had been sick for months after we moved in. Mostly I think she was feeling my fear state. Fear is a portal to dark energy.

Even though I hadn’t seen her in several hours during that inner journey, Venus didn’t run to me as she usually did. She just watched me in stillness from across the grass and I knew immediately that she knew what I was up to.

She lived with me at plant medicine retreats in Peru. She’s licked the vomit of passengers who participated in the medicine ceremonies. She knows the medicine. I understood that she understood me and what I had just gone through. No words needed.

Then she diverted her gaze up to the sky. I moved out from under the porch roof to see. Flying in a circle around the sun were several vultures. I instantly understood this is the funeral of the old world, the pre-2020 world.

I heard, “It’s over. It’s done. That world isn’t coming back so it’s time to mourn it.”

Even though I knew that at some level, I hadn’t fully accepted it until that moment. The acceptance brought peace, yet it also meant I had more decisions to make.

As I sat on my patio in contemplation over the next days, I had a new dilemma. Part of me knew I needed to speak publicly about the abuse dynamics going on around the world with the COVID campaign. But another part of me really wanted to curl up in the perceived safety of doing nothing and hiding.

I already knew what was going to happen if I spoke up because the same thing happened in my family when I talked about the sexual abuse of my grandfather. People turn on you, even the ones you think are your greatest allies. The truth-teller is not a popular stance to take in an abusive system. It’s grounds for exile.

So I self-sabotaged instead.

I was exhausted and used that as an excuse to stop my regular workouts. I rationalized that it was okay because I was doing manual labor at home.

I started slipping into self-destructive habits. I rationalized that it was okay because those were stressful times.

I got out of shape. I stopped caring for my body and let go of my foundational self-care practices. Once my primal brain hijacked my conscious mind, it was like I'd forgotten all the tools that had helped me heal and grow to that point. I’d also forgotten the I Ching’s suggestion for discipline.

Eventually, everything else in my life was affected.

The anxiety became unbearable. I wasn’t sleeping well. I was frustrated and angry. I was lost, hopeless, powerless and I don’t even know where most of those days went.

I was doom scrolling and imagining where it was all going because the same cult programming happens in abusive families and other social systems. I became hyper-focused on what they were doing to us, much like I had years before when I was voraciously watching and reading information on narcissists, psychopaths and other abusive characters. I was obsessed with what they were doing because I was in a state of victim consciousness.

I forgot that’s not where my power is.

I thought I had already learned that lesson. But unhealed layers of that pattern got triggered up to the surface in a new circumstance with the events unfolding around the world.

The externally-focused victim consciousness would linger with me for the next few years. I kept focusing on what they were doing and using that as an excuse to not own 100% responsibility over my life and my choices. That was a core part of my message about empowerment through self-responsibility in the recovery process, but I got pulled back in it. Apparently I had to go back in trenches to gather more wisdom.

Of course I had some interesting experiences in my personal life that were also reminding me I felt powerless because that was my inner state, even though I could see what was happening in the abuse dynamics out there.

The powerlessness is where we can get stuck without realizing it because it feels empowering to recognize the abuse. That’s not real power though. It’s an external awareness which is helpful to set boundaries, yet not healing.

Looking back on that now, it’s embarrassing to see how long I got stuck (again) in the powerlessness once 2020 happened. It’s crazy because I consciously knew better. I had already graduated that lesson in another area of my life, yet this was a new octave of the same pattern. I didn’t get myself fully back out of it until the end of 2023 when I made a new commitment to myself.

My dog and I had another encounter with vultures while that shift was happening. We were walking by the Trinity River when three turkey vultures glided down past us about ten feet away. I expected to hear a woosh sound. Instead there was stillness and silence as if they weren’t even there. Their wings didn't flap, they just kind of wobbled down to steer around the trees. They flew past us once and then came back around from another angle.

I understood that the vultures were eating the dead energy that I finally let go from the past. While many people don't like them, vultures serve an important function in the circle of life as the land's sanitation crew.

Our human garbage collectors do a dirty job that's often under appreciated and even looked down upon, yet they take away our waste before it rots in our homes, yards and streets like in the days before sanitation.

In nature, the vulture eats up all the recently dead carcasses, both physical and energetic. This keeps ecosystems healthy and prevents the spread of disease. They have an "ironclad" stomach and near total immunity in their gut. They were born for that purpose.

Everything has a purpose.

With refreshed and renewed awareness, I remembered living nearly 38 years of my life in the victimhood consciousness. I was constantly thinking about and focusing on all the injustices that had built up over a lifetime until the fateful day in late 2015 when I finally understood that the only place I’d find my power is in my choices.

By 2020, I’d already spent several years in a new state of empowerment and my life had gotten so much better. However I didn’t see the distortions of my externally-derived “self” worth and how my insecurities and disordered desires were leading me away from who I really am. That’s why I initially fell into the COVID fear consciousness, and that was also the biggest gift to come out of that time. I would never have chosen to leave YouTube and the career path I’d carved out for myself before the global events nudged me to transform my life.

What wasn’t built on something real had to crumble.

Though at the time this was still a huge blindspot and I was struggling. At the subconscious level there were parts of my unresolved past that sabotaged my self-awareness.

When we get triggered into a defensive state of fight, flight, freeze and fawn, a lot of things happen at a physiological level and it’s also an entirely different state of consciousness.

In the defensive, primal state we don’t have access to our higher awareness. I had glimpses of awareness peaking through the clouds during those years but I couldn’t maintain the state while I was still resisting and struggling in it.

Anyhow at the time in 2020, they wanted us to stay home and wear a mask for “essential” activities. “It’s just a mask,” they said. But I knew that would escalate to injections, digital surveillance and more measures of segregation from society for those of us who didn’t comply.

Abuse doesn’t start where it ends. It escalates over time and it’s always disguised as for your own good.

In abusive families if you don't consent to sacrificing yourself, they will sacrifice you. The covert abusive system programs you to destroy yourself before others destroy you.

In a distorted way, the act of self-sacrifice through self-sabotage is a way of feeling some control over a powerless, hopeless situation. This was my programming.

I knew I had a lot to lose if I spoke up publicly. My livelihood was on the line. The part I really didn’t want to admit was that my ego was also on the line.

Admitting to myself that I had created a false sense of self-worth through the social media presence I’d built over the previous years was going to lead to an ego death. I also knew I didn’t want to keep creating on those platforms because it became like voluntarily entering into an abusive relationship.

I knew I needed to let it collapse, yet I felt paralyzed by the inner conflict between my conscience and my primal brain because the fear was winning. I wasn't ready to face the reality of what I was going to lose, so I self-sabotaged instead. It was a choice I made, though it doesn’t feel like you’re choosing it when you’re on default subconscious mode. It’s automatic.

The choice is made without your awareness when you’re in a primal state.

I was retreating into a functional freeze state.

The freeze state was the survival mechanism I turned to frequently in childhood. It helped me stay safe in an unsafe environment.

My nervous system learned to shutdown when I felt powerless over my situation or unable to communicate what was wrong and be believed by the people around me. It wasn't even a conscious decision. The Autonomic Nervous System took over so the verbal areas of my brain melted down and went offline, as well as my higher consciousness.

Freezing and shutting down helped me survive and feel safe when I was a defenseless, helpless, dependent child. However, as an adult, it becomes a maladaptive behavior that sabotages healing and forward movement in life.

And that’s right where I found myself, once again, in 2020 when the world went upside down.

I was toggling between states of freeze and flight. The functional freeze is more like the flight of dissociation. The body is shutting down vital systems and can’t stay in freeze mode long-term. So the human nervous system mobilizes into a flight state by zoning out, going into fantasy, scrolling online, playing video games, watching TV, drinking alcohol or doing anything else to check out of reality.

Flight was another way I made myself feel safe in childhood. As a kid, I didn't have a lot of options, so retreating to my room or some place in the yard where I could zone out and tune into my inner fantasy world was my recourse.

As an adult, I used to travel a lot and I had never realized that's a form of flight. So when my wings were clipped in 2020 due to the travel restrictions, I turned to alcohol, food, videos, social media scrolling, gardening, home improvement projects and online dating. Of course that wasn’t a good time to be dating, which only made it worse.

The thing about self-sabotage is that it happens gradually but quickly.

By the time I got myself back on a fitness and health plan, I had a lot more work to do on myself. Looking back, if I could have made a different choice, I would’ve used that time to level up immediately, instead of delaying. I let go of my health, which has always been one of my top values.

I learned how powerful the primal brain programmed by trauma is and how my subconscious was ruining my life. I realized I had deeper layers of healing to do so I could stop that cycle and regain conscious control over my choices. I needed to completely rebuild my self-worth from the inside.

I had already done inner work for 20 years by then, but it blew my mind how quickly we can forget what most matters when things get really stressful! That’s usually because of the layers of unhealed trauma from childhood hijacking the brain and nervous system. I noticed how it was getting triggered up to the surface, superimposing on the trauma in the world. We’ve all experienced a surfacing of unresolved childhood and ancestral trauma since 2020.

How we’ve been dealing with the recent traumas happening in the world is very similar to how we deal with the unresolved trauma from before.

One day in the fall of 2020, sitting on the porch and feeling super anxious, I went inside to grab a bottle of wine without thinking. With the unopened bottle in hand, I suddenly stopped in my tracks and looked at the clock. It wasn’t even noon.

WTF am I doing? That wasn’t me at all. So I put the bottle down and went to do a workout in my garage instead.

I turned a corner and I got really committed. I started learning everything I could about trauma and recovery. Since 2020, I've taken 30+ seminars, courses and other holistic healing classes that helped me do deeper work to clear so much more of my past. This process gave me more tools to use for helping others.

I quit using Facebook and Instagram a few years ago and that was one of the best investments I made in my mental, neurological and spiritual health. Social media sites exacerbate disordered desires, distort our perception of self and program our nervous systems, even altering the functioning of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin. It makes us automatons to the social engineering.

Once I finally got back into gear with my self-care discipline, every time I was at the gym I vowed to myself not to make that mistake again. I had taken for granted how easy it was to bounce back from self-sabotage setbacks in my 20s and 30s.

But that time I learned it’s not the same in my 40s. It’s a LOT more work, over a longer period of time, to see the same results that would come much quicker when I was younger.

The functional freeze state wasn’t helping because that lowers metabolism and creates digestive issues, making it harder to get in shape, even when you’re eating right and exercising.

Anyhow, I learned the lesson the hard way, as many of us often do. I went back into the victimhood, focusing externally on what the perpetrators were doing and wishing someone was coming to save us from the global mafia.

Eventually I started speaking up even though I was afraid. I started shifting into courage and the more I did that, the more I was invited to speak about the abuse dynamics taking place in the world.

After clearing more layers of unresolved trauma, I realized I don’t want to learn the hard way any more. That was based on the old trauma programming. It was just a program that I believed was life. So I unsubscribed and decided to learn through ease, grace and inspiration.

As crazy as that time was, there was also something amazing happening.

It was an opportunity to recognize the ways I was still sabotaging myself and the parts of me that needed healing and strengthening so I could restore wholeness and return to my true self. But let me tell you, that was not easy!

I got stuck for a while and lost my way. It was a struggle, and even in the moment, I knew I wasn’t making the most of it.

I knew I was forgetting so many tools and skills that I’d learned over the prior 20 years of personal development and spiritual growth work. I knew I was going back into the victim consciousness yet I also knew I didn't want to live like that any more. But even still, I couldn’t help myself from drifting into it!

The wiser part of me (my Higher Self) wasn't easily accessible while I was in a primal state. My ego and survival self were driving, and those parts of me were trying to fix the situation in all the wrong ways.

Eventually I realized I was lacking positive role models so that I could dig deeper in my holistic healing.

At the time, everyone around me was also disempowered in some way and I knew I needed to be around the frequency of people taking massive action despite all the stress of what was happening in the world, without bypassing it or avoiding it.

That’s a balance that few people can actually walk. I didn't know anyone doing that, so I pieced together bits of wisdom from here and there, synthesizing it together, and over time I became the person that I needed.

Thankfully, I heard the inner calling and got motivated to make bigger bets on myself, personally and professionally. I created my new system and started taking it super seriously.

A system is really about your calendar, your habits, where you invest your time, energy, money and other resources. It means having standards about how you administer your resources. Your system is based on your perspective and goals—what you believe about yourself and life, who you want to become and what you want to do.

Everyone has a system and everyone is committed to something. Sometimes we are just committed to the wrong things (like doubts, insecurities, fear, the past), which produce an ineffective system and undesirable results.

I’ve been able to heal and create at an exponential level because of my new system.

Of all the changes I made to activate my higher potential, one of the most foundational things was my exercise routine. It was the start of everything else because it got me mobilized (out of the freeze shutdown) into productive activity (instead of the flight coping mechanisms).

This is something so basic and important, yet it was the very first thing I had quit when things got stressful in 2020 and my primal brain took over.

If you don’t know where to start upleveling your system, start with exercise. If you're feeling anxious and don't know what to do, go do a workout and see how your state starts to shift after that win. Notice how your body feels different too. Commit to that several days a week.

If you're noticing that you also go into the functional freeze, shutdown and checking out state—spending too much time doom scrolling, watching TV, drinking or whatever you do to avoid reality—get your body mobilized!

I feel so much better when I’m shredded and taking care of my body, which also helps my mind, energy and spirit. I also like myself a lot more when I’m in shape, feeling strong, lean, healthy, active and confident.

It’s not superficial to take care of your body. In fact it’s one of the most foundational ways you can honor your mind and soul.

The body is the vehicle in which our mind and soul travel during this lifetime. When we feel healthy and safe in the body, we are more embodied instead of checked out. Embodiment is an important state of presence, which is even more valuable in stressful times.

The 2020s are going to get increasingly crazier over the next years. Maybe you also sense this because your nervous system was trained to intuitively recognize these patterns and cycles of abuse and trauma in childhood.

A lot of what’s happening out there is out of our control. That can feel disempowering and trigger our maladaptive defense mechanisms.

Then if we don’t have a solid system of self-care to use as a foundation of support through the stress, next comes the default programming. For many of us, that’s self-destruction due to unresolved trauma.

Of course it's also very important to identify the underlying sabotage programs, which are remnants of childhood trauma and ancestral patterns that were passed down. Clearing those programs is a big part of healing the maladaptive behaviors that we all developed in order to feel safe and survive. It’s what I call mental ninja training.

But first, get yourself mobilized.

It's a lot easier to do the challenging inner work when you have energy and a healthy physical body—or at the very least, a solid system supporting you as you're working on building these.

When things feel out of control, that’s EXACTLY when we need to step the f*ck up!

What is your system? How are you administering your resources?

Is your environment (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, social) designed intentionally to support your system?

How is your current relationship with your body?

Do you have a solid routine of self-care?

Don't waste time and energy beating yourself up for not doing it sooner. That's not productive and only adds to the shame. Speaking from experience. Redirect those resources to doing it now. It won't be long before you'll be really glad you did!

Recently I heard someone mention going back in your photos on your phone to a certain time of your life and noticing how different you are now.

I chose 2020. Looking at those photos inspired a deeper dive into my reflections on that time, which led to integrating more insights and recognizing how much I’ve grown.

Then I asked myself, “How did it serve me?”

Vianna Stibal uses that question for digging in ThetaHealing. Everything that happens, and everything we choose, is serving us in some way.

I find that question to be so useful. If I could be a guardian angel visiting my 2020 self, I would whisper that question in her ear.

How is it serving you?